Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Sport and Ganja..

An article from the Indian Express:

************************************************************************************
When Akhtar 'n Asif 'smoked the stuff'
New Delhi, October 17:

The problems for Pakistan’s fast bowler Shoaib Akhtar and highly rated talent Mohammad Asif seems to be far from over.

Even as PCB gears up to set up a tribunal to decide on the penalties for the duo, who have been called back from India after testing positive for banned anabolic drug – Nandrolone, fresh insights into the dope scandal have come to light.

An eye-witness, who was audience to the last month’s England tour, has revealed that he had seen both Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammad Asif smoking cannabis during the five-match ODI series, reported the Pakistani news daily Dawn.

According to the eye-witness, both Shoaib and Asif used the ‘stuff’ after Pakistan had won the third One-day International at the Rose Bowl in Southampton on Sept 5, almost two weeks after the infamous Oval fiasco.

The report said that Shoaib was seen allegedly smoking a cannabis-filled cigarette on the lawn of the team hotel along with Pakistan bowling coach, Waqar Younis.

However, Asif did something similar but within his hotel room. The eye-witness claimed to have seen Asif pull out some of the tobacco from his cigarette to stuff it with the banned substance. After which he lit up the cigarette in presence of Azhar Mota, an England-based recruiting agent who had come to strike a deal with Asif for a county contract.

Asif, who was merrily smoking away wanted a lucrative contract. "Azhar bhai, I am interested in a contract worth 100,000 pounds because only then I would be in a position to give you 10,000 (as commission) if the deal is successful," Dawn quoted the eye-witness.

The eye-witness, as quoted by Dawn was from the US and was at the hotel to meet the players. He also claimed that he saw Azhar Mahmood, the former Pakistan all-rounder, sitting in Mohammad Yousuf’s room where Yousuf, Shoaib Malik, Shahid Afridi and Rana Naved-ul-Hasan were busy playing cards.

He saw Azhar passing on two small boxes, used for storing ‘naswar’, to the players. While Afridi took one box contained ‘naswar’, the other contained cannabis and was taken by Asif, reported the Pakistani daily.

The incident, however, went unreported.
************************************************************************************

Now, who the fuck cares if the pakistanis smoke pot after a game! If people start getting banned for smoking a spliff or two, there would be no sport ..

In fact, I think players from different countries should be put into a room with a lot of marijuana so that they can get to know each other (and life..) better.

Fuck the Geneva convention ... I didn't sign it ..

Monday, October 16, 2006

Whats behind the veil?

Well, the debate over veils has now reached the UK.

I have an answer Mr Blair - but it is a time consuming process, and will yield results if the contract is outsourced to India!

Step 1 -- Collate a database of all movies that have been made in India.. ever.

Step 2 -- Hire people (who do not fall asleep during a movie.. remember they may have to watch quite a few in a day.. or as many as 24 hours permit) to see all these movies.

Step 3 -- The directive to the people watching these movies would be to categorize any burkha scenes based on the following:
(a) Hero wears burkha to get access to the ladies hostel
(b) Hero wears burkha to perform in college cultural shows
(c) Hero wears burkha to escape from baddies who are looking to murder him because he loves the villain's sister
(d) Heroine wears burkha because ... well .. she is muslim
(e) Villain wears burkha so that he can go unnoticed while assaulting unsuspecting women in the rain/shooting people indiscriminately/any other crime covered under (a) Patriot Act (b) TADA

Step 4 -- Summate (a) + (b) + (c) + (d) and term it as 'GOOD'. The total of (e) may be termed as 'BAD'

Step 5 -- If GOOD is significantly > BAD, then allow people in the UK to wear what they want. Should BAD be significantly > GOOD, then ban burkhas.. and cross dressing

Step 6 -- If GOOD and BAD are too close to call.. continue arguing while we wait for more movies to be made

In the background.... the outsourcing contract continues to generate forex for our country..

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Multi-tasking

Why cant some people just do a couple of things at the same time?????????

While I am watching football on TV, drinking my beer, eating my munchies and surfing the net at the same time.. I am still listening to every word that my girl tells me.. of course thats because its important to 'listen' when you are in a relationship.. especially if you are male.

This morning I saw a woman walking on the street with her ipod on. Everytime she wanted to change songs / fiddle with the ipod, she would stop walking - stand still - look around - adjust her jacket - make the complicated (i am sure) changes to the settings in her ipod - and then start walking again.

I was counting - she stopped 8 times in 15 minutes!!!

Why the fuck do I care??? I shouldn't be looking at another woman in the first place!!

Monday, September 25, 2006

Overweight..

You know you are overweight when...

You are the only person in the elevator, and the automated announcement goes ...

"Sorry the elevator is crowded. Your patience is appreciated. "

Patient no more !!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Doubles

Last evening I tried to hitch a ride on Tooley street.

I was a little behind schedule and my mates were already a few beers down at our local pub. So, I started to sprint in the direction of the pub, which in a few seconds turned into a jog, and then into a walk.

As I was panting towards the pub, I saw a lot of cyclists pass me by, and had a brainwave. Why not hitch a ride from one of the cyclists. After all, how many times have we taken our loved ones and buddies on the 'carrier' on our cycles in India!

So, I waved at one of the cyclists and this is how the conversation went:

Me: Hi, Could you please drop me off on bermondsey street?
Brit: Huh..
Me: I was wondering if you could give me a ride on your bicycle up to the end of bermondsey street...
Brit: Huh..
Me: You know how to ride 'doubles' dont you. You can use the carrier or I can sit in front on the rod!
Brit: Isn't it illegal for two people to ride on a bike?
Me: Huh..

I haven't checked, but I wouldn't be surprised if there was a law against 'doubles' in this country.

And yes, I feel for the people who will never be able to experience the pleasure of going on 'doubles' rides with their partners....

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Pinky..

NO!!!!!! The little finger does not seem to be the universal sign for wanting to go susu... but

YES.. I will continue to show my little finger when I want to excuse myself from a business meeting rather than slyly sliding out of the room without any prior notice.

Friday, September 08, 2006

"Random" Searches

I had a little too much to drink last night. It happens when you are discussing (arguing!) about issues that stir up a conversation - like terrorism. My views on the recent thwarting of the 'potential' terrorist strike on aircrafts leaving from London were quite clear. It was all a load of crap. Convincing others about this after a few rounds is not as easy as it seems. Anyway, so I had too much to drink.

I wake up this morning all bleary-eyed and run out of the flat as I had to catch a meeting in the city. Murphy's Law -- I get stopped by some cops outside the tube station. Guess what they were doing -- "Random" searches for explosives.... In my laptop bag!!!!!

Of course, they were randomly picking young asians for the searches. It was nice of them not to frisk me though. It was quite an experience being asked questions like I was a serious threat to the people around me (who were letting their curiosities get the better of them and trying to overhear the interrogation!) when I was in a state where I was potentially going to screw up on my name and date of birth.

I got all the questions right. Including the reason for which I was at the tube station.. to catch the fr*kkin tube you morons!!!!!

Now I am thinking, the next time I get on to a tube with a cricket ball, they might prosecute me for ball tampering!!!